Had a weird conversation with some people on the msn just now, she asked me a very very weird question. How I'm gonna react if someone love you secretly? Or when he confess his love to me? Well.. I didn't give a good answer to her because I've never experience it and no one confess his love to me before. How do you know since someone is loving you secretly?
But frankly speaking, I told her I'm ready to accpet the truth of being single forever, I don't mind actually. Just that I might feel life might be a little waste if people don't experience of being loved by someone or loving someone wholeheartedly.
But to me, my first reacton is happy when knowing someone loves me and confess his love to me. Secondly, I will give thanks to God and thank Him I'm loved by someone. Thirdly, I will avoid it and not to face the reality even I love the person too. Or I will avoid the person even I don't love the person too, just that I don't know how to handle this matter well.
Oh, back to reality. Gotta sleep now and wake up to study later, I really really need motivation to move on..
<3 10:45 PM
I don't really read others blogs for quite a long time, this is to prevent of knowing too much and affect me and I don't really have time to sit down and click clikc click on the links. If I were really have to do so, I will need to spend a lot of time to read blogs because I have a lot of friends and they own blogs you see.
Another unusual midnight, had tea session with Lian Jun again. Through the few days of the sessions, I know him more. He is not just the simply clever, he is very very clever. I can't catch his weakness so far after nearly two semesters, and he will always has the right time to shoot at me.
He knows something earlier on than I have known it for a week, he knows it and I feel relief. Don't have to keep it in my heart alone anymore, but I'm afraid the person will take any actions and lose the credibility and motivation to improve himself.
<3 3:37 AM
Was very sad on Friday night, thanks Ding offered her place to have dinner with us. Me, Oscar and Ding had a very good fellowship. We had some deep talked too, finally I know Oscar quite a lot after hearing his story. I promised will not tell anyone, but I believe he went through a lot a lot. Happiness and sadness..
They sang and played guitar, I totally enjoyed myself in Ding's house. Life is not just eat, play and talk. But with God's presence and love. Sat at the mamak after the sing sang song, went back home at 4am. What a tiring but fruitful night, if keep doing this the feeling is not fresh anymore.
Have known and seen something, hope I'm free from bias and not showing obviously on my face. I know this is not right, so I don't wish anything to happen.
Glad that no one knows my identity in this blog. I'm like you, am I ready to move on?
<3 1:43 AM
It is almost the third time I cry for myself in Kampar, just because everything did not went well today. PR assignment deadline is next Wednesday, but we are still stuck at the beginning and left behind compare to other groups. Yes, I'm very stress. I scored quite low marks in my test, so I cannot fail this assignment.
There are a lot of things I don't understand! You're not stupid, but why you don't put in the great effort to do your best? Just read read read the theories but without applying it will get high marks?! I don't like to fight, but can at least don't do the assignment so simply?
I have sleepless night for the past few days, slept at 3 or even 5 in the morning and woke up at 8.30. People don't apprecite and still have late party every night? Why life is so unfair? Why is it unfair to the point people with different efforts will get same result?
There are a lot of things I don't understand, was really really upset when I was cycling back to home. Tears almost drop from my cheek, but the wind blew it away. Had an hour sleep before the class at 3, but I was too tired and off the alarm. When I woke up and realized it was 3! I took my bag and locked my door, then went for class. After class I only realized I left my keys inside the room, I spent 20 ringgit to ask for the man to unlock the door for me.
To someone, just want to analyse for you but I don't think I will tell you in person. You like her, not you love her. Be clear with this, love doesn't happen in a short time. This is what I keep telling myself, reminding myself before stuck in it. But I hope it is not too late for you, don't be like someone in the end lose himself.
What a bad day! I just feel like to cry now, can anybody lend me his shoulder?
<3 6:30 PM
网址换了，证明没人知道我的身分，也看不明白我所写的。可是，我还是这样的胆小。不是第一次这样的写了，写太多也会不小心得罪人。自己还是得小心得好，免得惹来杀身之祸。
我的眼睛虽然不大，但是很多东西我却看在眼里。看在眼里并不代表看不开或者是小心眼，我很大方的。只是这两天有许多事情不小心让我察觉，也不小心让我吓了一跳。我自认我不是很聪明，有时甚至是笨到可以。可是，我讨厌自己过度敏感别人的需要；导致自己不小心感觉到身边的事，也知道身边不该知道的事。
就从星期三说起，晚上在一间餐厅庆祝了老师的生日。花只是一种让另一方死心的道具；虽然并不直接的告诉我答案，但是我感觉到意思浅浅。闭口当时，我就掩饰我的聪明。所发生的，我都看见了。很明显，很明显。其实多东西，我希望我的感觉不会是对的。礼物和眼神，被我看穿了。至于详细的内容，我不能写下去了。
星期四，也就是几个小时前的晚上。在出门去参加小组的前一个小时，让我无意中发现一个人的部落格。这个人就是我想多了解的人，而我做到了。不是采用什么桥段，只是无意中在另一个人的部落格看见无名氏的留言。从上面的link,我进去了。当然，可以说是看见了他的另一面。我倒是没被吓到，只是觉得很惊讶。他现在所经历和描写的，是我很久很久以前所感觉和遇到的。说起来，也大概有六年了。
心碎？我不会；失望？或许有一点这样的感觉；惊讶？这个成分让我想起昨天送礼物的人，只希望这位无名氏不要照着自己的意愿而破坏和人的关系。对我而言，我挺失望的。更不想在他冲动的举止后，用另一副眼镜看待他。他是很不错的人，只是不适合。不是对我的不适合，而是他所想的不适合。
我看了全部无名氏所写的，我也留了言。只希望我临时想出来的另类笔迹和账号名字，不要出卖我。我承认我不善于处理自己的情绪，更多时候让情绪做了我的领袖。不小心知道时，问题总会在我的脑袋里转来转去。我对无名氏的关心只是朋友的关心，无非想要介入这样的关系。
这一切让我想起，和有安全感的人在一起真的有这样重要吗？对于女生而言，‘或许’真的是这样；男生啊，应该是负责寻找安全感的人。而三角恋的关系，不至是在电视情节里出现，原来我周遭也出现这样的状况。我是否‘不小心’把自己卷入这样的关系里了？我不要。
虽然是一个很重大的发现，但是我决定了。为了保护这位朋友，我决定不告诉任何一个人。就因为这样的举动就是爱，而我这样做也是因为爱。我爱你，朋友。
恋爱？我不知道，就因为没有经历过。我只想要把这份礼物留给最值得打开的人，那个人会是谁还不知道。我不介意没有人打开这一份礼物，就因为我不够好。
到最后，我还是这样的胆小。
<3 2:32 AM
Yeah, I've changed the blog url. I think no one is able to find this blog already. I can write, but really really hope no one knows my real identity from my writing.
<3 12:21 AM
I'm gonna change this blog url in 5 hours time to nobody knows it, so sorry because I feel so restricted to write. So people, actually is only two readers. hahaha sorry do have one more glance on it. =]
<3 4:33 PM
Life is slowly changing, 29 more days to say goodbye to 2009. I don't wish to bring forward any old and negative effects to a new year, let it stops here.
I want to write one thing, something that I think it is a bit not fair. My mother used to be fair when me and my siblings were young, we had everything together instead of just bias to anybody. This is what she taught me, but now useable when I grow up anymore. Why I have to do the typing and brainstorming works in the assignments, I've sleepless nights for the past few days. From this I know my working progress is very very slow, but do I really have time for myself? I think it's not going to have as well.
I always make sure myself to do my best in the assignments which don't wish to see anybody get low marks and repeat for the course, I don't want myself to stuck in this dilemma too so I try to work very very hard. Can I use the less time to come out with quality tesk?
I failed my Mass Media midterm, again this is the first time I failed this paper. I really studied this time and just 7 more marks I will pass this paper, although I failed but I'm still the few best in the class. I did not cheat, some people really cheated in every tests to get high marks but what for? Do they really happy with it and gonna do this is the final too?
I hope life is fair, and I don't think about anything anymore. How sad were I these few days, something is hindering me to have breakthrough. Go away.. Let it be slowly changing.
<3 12:39 PM
I miss a lot of things, badly. The life here is good of course, I've learnt a lot of things which I have not learn enough when I was in JB last time. I learn how to take very good care of myself, just that sometimes I am not. I learn to manage my time very well, handle my own feelings and not to express too much, make good decisions when time to make choices.
I.. Have a lot of breakthrough in life, but sigh I have the habit of remembering the past and look what was behind. But I really thank God, how He lead my through the valleys and lifted me high. I experienced what others did not go through it, I'm much more mature than those who are 18.
I remembered I wrote down my goals for 2009 and gave it to my leader, but sigh she lost it. I remembered some of the goals and I managed to complete at least 60% of it, sigh what a big failure. I should keep one copy for myself next time, in case it is missing again. This year has been a good year compare to year 2008, I will never forget year 2008 and how terrible was that year. I did mention 2008 was a hopeless year. Goal setting for 2010 is it too early now? I scared I will just lost my balance at anytime.
Someone is revolving in my mind, hope it will disappear as soon as possible.
<3 1:09 AM
